Honor Thy Mother

My mother has Alzheimer’s.

My grandmother, my mother, and me (1980)

She was definitively diagnosed in 2011 but all her life she lived in the shadow of the disease. You see her mother had what was presumed to be Alzheimer’s as well as her mother’s mother. So, despite science reports of no significant link between heredity and Alzheimer’s, my mother read everything she could and did everything she could to avoid or delay the “inevitable.” As a young adult, I became aware of my mother’s near obsessive fear of developing this disease. Yet, as she became more and more forgetful, despite taking the new medications, she was more and more determined to deny it. Over time, my siblings and I took over more and more responsibility for her; until in January of this year, we had to have her placed in a nursing home.

My own relationship with her has changed considerably over the last couple of years. When I became a single mother of a young daughter in 1997, my mother made it her personal mission to replace my daughter’s missing father. She would spend months of each year with us, taking vacations with us, and spending most holidays with us. But in 2013 she became agitated and anxious to return to her home each time she was at my house, frequently after just arriving. Since the purpose of these visits had changed from her caring for us to my daughter and I caring for her, the complexion of our relationship changed when she was no longer able to independently come and go on her terms. I became the antagonist, and, ironically enough, this has been the aspect of our relationship that she has been able to hold on to as her memory has faded and her mind clouded.

It has been difficult to watch the mother I know slowly slip away. Initially, she was more & more forgetful. Her stories and tales became repetitive and limited, with many of them seemingly escaping her memory. She began to rewrite history, contriving memories or misconstruing actual events. Now she most days doesn’t recall anyone who is not there with her, including our father whom she seems not to recall at all. However, when one of her loved ones enters her room, her eyes still light up with love and recognition, even if she can’t always come up with a name. At least right now, she still recognizes us as her children and grandchildren and is always happy to see us. Scrapbooks and photo albums have replaced her actual memories; and we review them with her repeatedly during each visit - often more than once as she does not recall having just looked through them.

Further challenge is the job of going through her house, her things, her mementos, her treasures to determine what is to be kept and what is to be discarded, who will keep what and what becomes of the rest. Going through my father’s things after he died wasn’t easy, but this is different. This feels more like I am violating her somehow – I mean she is still alive, still here, although I know she will never be coming home again. The whole process has only been further complicated by the fact that as her memory was fading, she promised the same items to different people. I mean my grandmother's antique roll-top desk doesn’t split four ways.

All this to say, the last few years, especially the last few months, have been emotionally taxing and difficult. It’s been impossible to not get frustrated with her, whether it’s arguing with her about getting dressed or eating, or wishing she had left clear instruction of what is to be done with her valuables. Don’t hear something I am not saying. I still love my mother very much. Dealing with her Alzheimer’s wouldn’t be so difficult if that weren’t true. Sometimes when I look at her, my heart breaks, not seeing a glimmer of the woman I knew, the mother who raised me and loved me beyond a love of anyone else on Earth. I am learning how to function in the paradox of living as an orphan while also ensuring care and provision for my mother.

So last week, when I received a call from the nursing home telling me that my mother had been selected for their Hall of Fame, I was initially conflicted by their request for a brief biography of her. Since they needed it by the next afternoon, I didn’t have time to really think about it. I contacted my three siblings, posted a request on facebook asking for input from family and friends, and set to work. By the next afternoon, my deadline, I had almost three pages thrown together. It was such a gift to me, taking the time, reflecting on my memories, recalling stories she shared through my childhood, and receiving beautiful commentary from others who loved her. The simple act of pulling together her brief biography gave me the chance to refocus on the wonderful woman my mother was, the beautiful woman of love and service. I am so thankful to the nursing home for the opportunity to breathe life back into the woman of my memories. I pray that from now on I can do a better job of keeping these memories in the forefront, and truly honoring the woman who was and is my mother.

In honor of my mother and for completion of this message, here is my mother's biography:

Born Mary Dean Holder, May 6, 1936 to parents Edwin and Irene, Mary had two brothers, one older and one younger. They grew up in the little town of Vanceburg - the county seat of Lewis County in eastern Kentucky, on the Ohio River. Her father was an influential attorney and a World War II veteran of whom she was very proud. She always spoke of her mother as a perfect southern lady who was quite beautiful. Her recollections of her childhood included fond memories of the family dog, Suzie, train trips to the grandparents in Maysville, and living across the street from the old “Commercial hotel” in downtown Vanceburg.  As a young girl, Mary helped her teachers with the younger students, started young as a Sunday school teacher at Vanceburg Christian Church, and worked at the movie theater where she had the opportunity to see many films. Her favorite was Gone With the Wind. She graduated early from high school just a few days after her 16^th birthday, and she was valedictorian of her senior class.

So, at the tender age of 16, Mary left home and all that was familiar to travel over 360 miles away to attend nursing school at Murray State University. Trips home were virtually non-existent as it took almost a full day by bus. After completing the initial course work, Mary relocated to Owensboro as a student nurse and lived in the dormitory on the hospital grounds, working countless long hours to complete her nurse's training. After she graduated in 1955, she worked for a time in Frankfort, Kentucky and Cincinnati, Ohio in child psychiatry before returning to Owensboro where she married Joseph William Barlow in 1958. Upon her return to Owensboro, she began working at Owensboro Daviess County Hospital (ODCH) where she worked for more than 30 years, until she retired in 1995.

Mary became a friend to many over the years, developing relationships with “girls” from home, from nurse’s training, from church, from work, or from wherever she went. She has remained friends with these women over her lifetime, sharing with them raising children, traveling, sports, work and grandchildren. She is a loyal friend, who was always there when it mattered. Friends, as well as those who worked with Mary, have described her as intelligent and forward thinking, a great example for others. They loved seeing her as she always had a smile or laugh or  jokes. She is full of love and kindness with an infectious, joyful laugh, an overall wonderful person.

As a young wife and mother raising four children, Mary was a charter member of Century Christian Church. The new congregation began meeting at what was then Southern Junior High while the church was being built. During that time, she and her husband were active members of the Fish & Game Wildlife Farm with Mary serving on the Women’s Auxiliary.

While at ODCH, Mary worked for more than 30 years in Obstetrics and Labor Hall, assisting with deliveries and helping young mothers learn to nurse and care for their new infants. She always worked hard and was loved by her patients. Many times while out about town with her family, she would be stopped by an enthusiastic, grateful mother who would make sure Mary’s family knew that Mary’s face was the first one seen by her son or daughter. These mothers couldn’t say enough about how fortunate they were to have had Mary care for them at such an important time of their life.

Once recruited as a chaperone by her nephew for a KWC trip to NYC, Mary discovered a love of arts which led her back to NYC’s theaters and museums multiple times. She shared this love and passion with her family even taking many of them with her to New York to experience it firsthand. Over the years, her love of the performing and visual arts grew as did her passion for travel – seeing and experiencing new things. She and her husband’s travels led them into each of the 50 states, including Alaska and Hawaii, England, Scotland, Wales, France, and Australia. With others, Mary’s travels expanded into Mexico and Europe, including East Germany. She also passed along her love of sunshine and beaches to her family. She would spend hours soaking in the sun on many beautiful beaches, her favorite being Kiawah Island, SC where she visited many times with her family.

In 1981, Mary took a position as the head of the newly created Infection Control Department at Daviess County Hospital. Over the next 14 years, Mary ran the department efficiently and gained the respect of the doctors on the Infection Control Committee. She not only developed the department, but also implemented protocols and procedures for infection control for newly discovered infections like MRSA and AIDS. Mary’s work with each of these programs required attending national conferences to learn the most current and advanced management plans. Mary was progressive during the AIDS endemic, not only by taking AIDS awareness and education into the community but also by working side-by-side with AIDS victims on the local AIDS council, and even attending the bedside of those suffering with AIDS symptoms. Over time, she rose in leadership within her profession becoming the local expert in Infection Control. During her tenure, the hospital had no outbreaks of infectious disease.

seen here with her "Lunch Bunch" from ODCH

Beyond the walls of the hospital, Mary worked with the Kentucky Nurses Association (KNA), served on the Green River Area Development District (GRADD) Health and Aging Council, the Association for Professionals in Infection Control (APIC), and served as the president of Owensboro's chapter of the National Organization for Women. She has always been very proud of her work lobbying for the seatbelt law in Kentucky, as Kentucky became one of the early states to pass such legislation. In 1989 Mary was honored as KNA’s Nurse of the Year for her years of dedicated service to her community and to the state.

Later in life, Mary was active in Owensboro Christian Church (OCC) and assisted with fundraising for the new sanctuary for the building on College Drive, and then again for the purchase of the old Lincoln Mall. She served faithfully on the Compassion Team who delivered meals to members’ families dealing with illness or the death of a loved one. She developed the Emergency Response Team (ERT) - through which she recruited, scheduled, and coordinated healthcare professionals to be on site during church services and functions to provide immediate care in the event of a health-related emergency. She worked tirelessly to obtain needed equipment including an AED and a stretcher for the ERT program.

No summary of Mary’s life would be complete without mentioning her University of Kentucky Wildcats! They have been her favorite pastime, second only to time with her family. Mary was not only a fan, she was a regular. With a dear friend, she held season football tickets and attended every game for years. For over three decades, she annually attended the SEC basketball tournaments. Friendships were forged over rivalries and each year the same group would come together to disagree over which team was best (although most years UK won). She even traveled to Hawaii for the Thanksgiving tournament one year. Both years she attended Final Four Tournaments (1998 and 2012) her Wildcats brought home the national title! She has remained a die-hard fan. No matter what, she always roots for her “boys.”

After she retired, Mary dedicated her life to serving her church and her family. Her commitment to OCC became more devout after retirement, even serving in the church offices a couple of days a week, assisting with many women’s ministry activities and coordinating the ERT. Over the years, she has assisted her youngest daughter as a single mother in raising her toddler daughter; she has provided care to her husband during his illness until his death, as well as caring for her five additional grandchildren. She relocated herself to Colorado for most of a year to support and care for her middle daughter who was going through chemotherapy and helped with her school-aged son. When each of her brothers lost their wives, Mary spent several weeks with them individually, caring for them in their grief. Mary has dedicated her life to the compassionate care of others, through her profession, her church, her friends, and her family.