Solace in Solitude

Recently, my daughter and I were talking about how she was uncomfortable staying alone at my mother’s house. The house makes weird noises which send her active imagination in wild directions. Our discussion made me realize just how much time I spend alone. If you had asked me 15-20 years ago where I saw myself in my early 50’s, primarily alone would not have been my vision. Yet here I am, my teenage daughter away at college (as expected) and my mother in a nursing home (sort of expected). If their destinies were basically expected, why would I not have envisioned myself alone?  Wish I could come up with an answer for that one… But nonetheless, here I am – alone most evenings except for the dogs.

I work with people with whom I get along yet we don’t share the same interests. And with one or two notable exceptions, most of my friends are not in the immediate area where I live. Thus, I keep my own company most evenings.

It’s not that I mind being alone. I am not lonely most of the time, just alone. I am not afraid of the dark, afraid of being in the house alone, or afraid in any other way. I just am a social person and frequently find myself craving conversation, beyond the monolog that runs through my head all day and night.

When I was young, just out of college, working and living alone, I couldn’t stand being alone, thinking that I would grow old alone, without a family of my own. I was so hungry for a relationship with a man that I made poor choices, including marrying the wrong one. I allowed myself to be consumed by desperation and, thinking I was in control of my life, settled for a relationship based on all the wrong things.

 Why am I sharing these details of my life? To tell you about what I have learned in my time alone: despite being alone, without other companions, I am never on my own, facing life alone. My Savior does not forsake me, He knows the number of hairs on my head, He knows my fears and failures, and He knows my name! My picture is on His refrigerator. He is my constant companion. He reminds me of His presence in little ways all the time and in big ways when I need Him most.

Recently, I have been struggling with my prayer life. While I focus my running monolog on talking to my Lord, that near-constant chatter cannot replace prayer. At one point in my life, I thought “if talking to God is prayer, then isn’t that what I do all day long?” While that may be one method of praying and communicating, it is not enough. Because those who know me know that I don’t really give Him a chance to get a word in edgewise. And how do I know His will, if I do not give Him a chance to tell me? I must learn how to abide in Him in my solitude, and become in tune with His methods of speaking to me, beyond my prayer and quiet time.

I wish I could say that I was always open and aware of Him speaking to me. With one exception in my life, I have not clearly heard Him speak as Samuel did in the Old Testament. And I know that sometimes, He has had to really struggle to get my attention, to get me to hear His message. But in these days of solitude, I believe He has been using this time to gain and hold my attention. To help me become aware of the “little” or subtle ways He speaks to me or the “God winks.”

What do I mean by “God winks?” The way a billboard speaks to me clarifying a concern that has been weighing heavy. A radio announcer chooses the very moment of my morning drive to discuss a question that I have been praying about. I see a commercial on TV that makes me think of someone I care about in a way that makes us both laugh when I share it with her at a time she most needed to laugh. Or a thousand other things that I may miss as I go through my day.

A song plays on the radio and my hearts breaks as if I have heard the song for the first time. Why? As I still myself to focus on the words, I realize He is speaking directly to my soul through this artist this time.  It doesn’t matter that I have heard this song many times before. But now, I hear that song, and a little part of me remembers the love for me He shared on that day.

Have you ever considered that the annoying person in traffic may be God trying to get your attention? Once I was so focused on my irritation at a person’s driving, that I almost missed it. When I finally noticed the car, it reminded me of a friend that needed to hear from me. When I reached out, it was clearly His intervention, His timing.

I stand in my backyard on a cloudless night and enjoy the beauty of the stars in the sky. While I may feel small, I appreciate the beauty and the Creator of such beauty. Yet, He reminds me that despite the vastness of this world, He still holds me close; He cares enough to show me through a warm breeze that wraps itself around me like a hug.

I sit on the beach at the ocean enjoying the waves, watching the sun set, thinking of how never-ending the tide seems, enjoying the beauty of the colors, reveling in His creation. He reaches out and touches me with a sunbeam through the clouds, warming me to my very core.

So, while I still may not have it all together, He has shown me that He has given me this time of solitude for us, so that I may grow to depend more upon Him and learn to communicate with Him in new ways. I know that I still need to spend time in prayer and devotion to get the real work done. Meanwhile, however, I will continue to allow Him to show me what He wants me to see as I abide in Him each day, not lonely, and never really alone.

                                                

give Me the keys

Faith.

We all exercise it multiple times a day, every day. No matter to what "brand" of belief we subscribe or even if we claim no "belief" in anything.

We have faith that when we get out of bed in the morning, the floor won't fall through, that when we flip that switch, the light will come on.

Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) describes faith like this: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Another version says it's the assurance and conviction. This is my favorite, (NIV) "Now faith is the confidence of what we hope for and the assurance of what we have not seen." This is one of the only scriptures I ever remember my father making a big deal that I memorize.   It was confusing to me, but finally I understood, that faith is being sure of what's not there, of something that hasn't happened yet, of something we cannot see.

Believing that somehow, someway, someONE will make a thing come to pass.  Our faith in those things mentioned above are easy. I often wonder why we fully trust that the car will start when we turn the key, but not so much that God will provide what we need.

I think it's because we feel like we have some control over those other things. If the light doesn't come on, we change the bulb or have the electrician check the wiring. If the car doesn't start, we check the battery or call the mechanic. Somehow we feel that those are things we can fix, we can control.

When the bills come in and the bank says there's not enough to cover them, when the doctor says the news is bad, then we feel completely out of control.   And instead of exercising that faith spoken of in Hebrews 11:1, we panic.  We start stressing and worrying.

Okay, that's what I do anyway. Then I get mad at myself.  Then God puts me in situations where I have no choice but to trust Him, to work my atrophied faith muscles and shows me just how much energy I waste on worrying.

This past weekend I went on a work trip with my husband.  He was going to be in a conference for three days in Nashville so I went along with him. I thought, "It'll be fun! I can walk pretty much anywhere and just check out the city."

This is where I let you in on the fact that I am so NOT a city girl. I was raised where the roads are gravel and driving around the shopping center parking lot was referred to as "cruising". And I'm not big on driving. I can, I just don't prefer to do it and most of the time, I don't have to. If it weren't for my small town "growing up" around me, I probably wouldn't be able to drive around here now. I seldom drive by myself any distance further than about 30 miles and maybe three times total in a bigger city.

But I didn't think I'd have to drive at all in Nashville. Then we realized that my husband's last session wouldn't be over until after 5 p. m. and check out time at the hotel was 11 a. m.

Umm...yeeeahhhh.

Since we had walked some around the four or so blocks surrounding our hotel, I felt familiar enough so I maneuvered our big pick-up truck out of the parking garage and down a couple of blocks to find a place to grab some lunch. I had to find and pay for parking, then walk to the place I'd chosen for lunch but just after I got my food, I noticed the place got really busy. I mean, REALLY busy!

By the time I had leisurely eaten my food, visited the ladies' room and walked back outside, the street was a madhouse and the panic set in. There were big trucks making deliveries parked in every spare spot and some had created 'spots' to park, and then just regular through traffic had increased exponentially! This was NOT what I had bargained for when I'd got all brave and driven down there less than an hour ago.

I went back to the truck and started worrying if I had enough parking time left to just sit there til traffic thinned some and the more I looked at that motorized mess, the more I panicked. I texted my dear friends (most of them from this very blog!) and asked them to pray for me and then some frantic texts to my kids asking them for the same. I needed peace, clarity and strength to deal with this situation.

I needed FAITH in The One Who can do ALL THINGS. Philippians 4:13

As I sat there, knowing my friends and children were praying for me and sending me encouraging messages, I began to feel the comfort of that knowledge seep into the cab of the truck, into my mind, my tense neck and shoulders, my throbbing head, churning stomach and pounding heart. I began to feel the presence of God, HIS strength, and HIS peace. And soon, quite awhile before my parking time was up, I started to feel confident that with Christ's help, I could indeed drive out of here and all the way across town, to an area I had never been to before, to a park I had looked up online.

Don't get me wrong, my body was still sending me those panic messages... my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and the tension creeped back into my shoulders and neck, but I never felt consumed by any of that the way I had earlier. Soon, I found myself at my destination, in spite of having had to take alternate routes a few times because of construction and I pulled into the perfect parking spot in the shade of a tree. It was a hot day, so those spots were few, but there was that one just waiting for me. I knew God was in that, too.

As I sat there, wondering how I was going to pass another 4-5 hours waiting for my husband's conference to end, I began to recall the other times God has held me in the palm of His hand and the power of His peace.

The time I ran over my foot with the lawn mower a few years ago, lopping off a big area of my heel...yet I never lost consciousness or even cried because my first inclination, after that initial shock of "What in the world have I just done to myself?!" passed, was to cry out to Him for help. And He provided. I remembered the months of healing and surgeries that followed and how God miraculously healed my foot, how for the few days I first spent in the hospital (because I have type 1 diabetes and injuries like this are always a huge concern for us) that God even eliminated my need for insulin, even for meals. I honestly believe that it was because so many people were praying for my healing, they literally prayed the diabetes "off me" for a bit.

It was just a surreal moment to realize that was happening, after 40 years of depending on insulin to metabolize my food? Now I didn't need it for a couple of days? There was NO other explanation than that God was in it. If that doesn't boost your faith, nothing will. Was I devastated when I had to resume the insulin? No. I didn't know why God would heal me for that brief period of time other than to give me THIS testimony. To give me this faith in Him and the prayers of His people. I have learned, yes, the hard way, but I've finally learned, not to question things in life. Even though sometimes it takes me awhile to do it, I've learned to just let go of things and trust that He is working SOMEthing out for my good. I may not understand how the thing (having part of my foot cut off, skin graft surgery, months on crutches) could possibly be good for me, but I have found a great peace in just trusting that no matter how bad the storm looks, God has a purpose for it and in the end, it will benefit me somehow.

But like I said, sometimes it takes me awhile to remember that. And honestly? I think that is why He put me in the middle of that crazy lunch rush hour in Nashville. To remind me of how amazing life is when I just hand Him the keys and let Him drive.

Romans 8:28 (ESV)- "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Read Hebrews 11.