Solace in Solitude

Recently, my daughter and I were talking about how she was uncomfortable staying alone at my mother’s house. The house makes weird noises which send her active imagination in wild directions. Our discussion made me realize just how much time I spend alone. If you had asked me 15-20 years ago where I saw myself in my early 50’s, primarily alone would not have been my vision. Yet here I am, my teenage daughter away at college (as expected) and my mother in a nursing home (sort of expected). If their destinies were basically expected, why would I not have envisioned myself alone?  Wish I could come up with an answer for that one… But nonetheless, here I am – alone most evenings except for the dogs.

I work with people with whom I get along yet we don’t share the same interests. And with one or two notable exceptions, most of my friends are not in the immediate area where I live. Thus, I keep my own company most evenings.

It’s not that I mind being alone. I am not lonely most of the time, just alone. I am not afraid of the dark, afraid of being in the house alone, or afraid in any other way. I just am a social person and frequently find myself craving conversation, beyond the monolog that runs through my head all day and night.

When I was young, just out of college, working and living alone, I couldn’t stand being alone, thinking that I would grow old alone, without a family of my own. I was so hungry for a relationship with a man that I made poor choices, including marrying the wrong one. I allowed myself to be consumed by desperation and, thinking I was in control of my life, settled for a relationship based on all the wrong things.

 Why am I sharing these details of my life? To tell you about what I have learned in my time alone: despite being alone, without other companions, I am never on my own, facing life alone. My Savior does not forsake me, He knows the number of hairs on my head, He knows my fears and failures, and He knows my name! My picture is on His refrigerator. He is my constant companion. He reminds me of His presence in little ways all the time and in big ways when I need Him most.

Recently, I have been struggling with my prayer life. While I focus my running monolog on talking to my Lord, that near-constant chatter cannot replace prayer. At one point in my life, I thought “if talking to God is prayer, then isn’t that what I do all day long?” While that may be one method of praying and communicating, it is not enough. Because those who know me know that I don’t really give Him a chance to get a word in edgewise. And how do I know His will, if I do not give Him a chance to tell me? I must learn how to abide in Him in my solitude, and become in tune with His methods of speaking to me, beyond my prayer and quiet time.

I wish I could say that I was always open and aware of Him speaking to me. With one exception in my life, I have not clearly heard Him speak as Samuel did in the Old Testament. And I know that sometimes, He has had to really struggle to get my attention, to get me to hear His message. But in these days of solitude, I believe He has been using this time to gain and hold my attention. To help me become aware of the “little” or subtle ways He speaks to me or the “God winks.”

What do I mean by “God winks?” The way a billboard speaks to me clarifying a concern that has been weighing heavy. A radio announcer chooses the very moment of my morning drive to discuss a question that I have been praying about. I see a commercial on TV that makes me think of someone I care about in a way that makes us both laugh when I share it with her at a time she most needed to laugh. Or a thousand other things that I may miss as I go through my day.

A song plays on the radio and my hearts breaks as if I have heard the song for the first time. Why? As I still myself to focus on the words, I realize He is speaking directly to my soul through this artist this time.  It doesn’t matter that I have heard this song many times before. But now, I hear that song, and a little part of me remembers the love for me He shared on that day.

Have you ever considered that the annoying person in traffic may be God trying to get your attention? Once I was so focused on my irritation at a person’s driving, that I almost missed it. When I finally noticed the car, it reminded me of a friend that needed to hear from me. When I reached out, it was clearly His intervention, His timing.

I stand in my backyard on a cloudless night and enjoy the beauty of the stars in the sky. While I may feel small, I appreciate the beauty and the Creator of such beauty. Yet, He reminds me that despite the vastness of this world, He still holds me close; He cares enough to show me through a warm breeze that wraps itself around me like a hug.

I sit on the beach at the ocean enjoying the waves, watching the sun set, thinking of how never-ending the tide seems, enjoying the beauty of the colors, reveling in His creation. He reaches out and touches me with a sunbeam through the clouds, warming me to my very core.

So, while I still may not have it all together, He has shown me that He has given me this time of solitude for us, so that I may grow to depend more upon Him and learn to communicate with Him in new ways. I know that I still need to spend time in prayer and devotion to get the real work done. Meanwhile, however, I will continue to allow Him to show me what He wants me to see as I abide in Him each day, not lonely, and never really alone.